SPECTER ATTACK

First, a brief tutorial.

There are two types of specters:  Drones and the Maternal.

Specter attacks are extended periods of time when the residuals run constant in either the background or foreground.  Before the death, specter attacks were primarily drone related.  Since the death, there is a much higher percentage of maternal ones.

A situation is the present, reality, non-specter related happenings.  Shit they try to fuck up.

Drone attacks are usually sexual, desperate, muting, and generally creepy residuals caught in my peripheral vision like cockroaches in the corner of a dim room.  Visual and emotional attacks that drop a mesh filter over the situation.

Maternal attacks are vicious, unrelenting auditory and emotional oceans incessantly and deliberately delivering wave after wave of breathlessness, paranoia, fear, and absolute helplessness.  The waves crash in my ears mimicking the rhythm of my heart.  I have the feeling my head is below water; the sounds of the situation far off and distorted by its weight.

Maternal attacks are residuals of fucked up messages about personal worth, societal value, likability, and caste level.  They are constant buzzes in my ears directly interfering with all interactions increasing steadily to ridiculous decibels.  Occasionally, I can break the momentum with an internal shout of STOP.  All the while, I smile and engage in polite conversation.

Its the ridiculousness that saves me.  I might buy into the messages if they weren't so fatalistic.  Am I really so unlikable?  Does everyone really dislike me?  Is there really nothing I can do right?  Can anyone really have no value?

Once I catch on, there are things I can do to protect myself until the attack fades.  Since the death, these are usually all day attacks.  Hopefully that will change.

Specter Attack Remedies:

Drone attacks are pretty easy.  I can choose to not focus on the residuals and continue moving forward.  They are cowards just like their creators and require my attention to exist.

Maternal attacks drain the blood from my body, the breath from my lungs, and steal my ability to concentrate.  My only recourse at this time is to ride them out.  A few techniques can make them manageable:

• Drinking.  Drinking smooths out all sorts of wrinkles in life including Maternal attacks but it is not usually the best solution.
• Exercise but the Maternal attacks have a certain psychosomatic affect on my health.
• Eating.  Hot wings and Ben & Jerry's.  But not today, I'm on a diet.
• Movies but only these and in this order:  Stranger than Fiction, 50 First Dates, and on rare occasions, the Wedding Singer.  Don't mock the process.

Today is definitely going to include the Wedding Singer.  

I'm pretty sure tomorrow will be better.